


The Evolution of Boq

by igiveup101



Category: Wicked - Schwartz/Holzman
Genre: mostly it's a stylistic biography of boq basically, there's one scene that's kind of sexual assault but it's really short and doesn't go very far
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 15:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4671380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igiveup101/pseuds/igiveup101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Boq was 18, he sealed his fate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Evolution of Boq

When Boq is born, it’s to a happy Munchkin couple- farmers, like everyone else they know. His is to be a plain childhood, and that’s just the way Munchkins like it.

 

When Boq is 3 years old, he sees an Animal for the first time. They’re less common in Munchkinland, so he’s never had much opportunity. He thinks the Rabbit looks nice. Trying to pet it doesn’t go over well with his mother, who pulls him away and scolds him in a hushed voice. “We don’t associate with animals, love.”

 

When Boq is 6, he sees the Governor’s daughters together for the first and only time in his childhood. He’s seen the younger one around; she’s shy, and sweet, and pretty. Everyone loves her. He’s never seen the older one before, though he’s heard of her. There are stories of the Governor’s green daughter, but the Governor almost never lets her go out. Boq thinks she looks scary. He doesn’t think about it for long.

 

When Boq is 9, he likes a girl in his class. She’s blonde and pretty, and smiles a lot. Everybody likes her, but Boq likes her more. He helps her with her homework one time, and she thanks him for it. He thinks about it for 2 days straight. She always wears nice dresses to school, with her hair forming a perfect frame around her face. He thinks she’s wonderful. She doesn’t notice him.

 

When Boq is 12, he learns that sometimes he does things that were wrong. He shouldn’t have finished the food without asking; he should have checked if anyone else wanted any and asked for permission. He shouldn’t have tried to water the plants with juice; scientific experiments were not worth ruining that year’s crop for. He shouldn’t have gone out with his friends 2 days before an exam; if he had studied harder, he wouldn’t have gotten that B. He shouldn’t have tried to tell that boy he liked him; he would give people the wrong idea.

 

When Boq is 15, he feels rebellious. He wants to bend the rules a little bit for once. He does this by sneaking out and stealing two heads of corn from the crop for himself. He leaves 1 or 2 questions unanswered on tests. He kisses a cute boy in his class, Tibett. When they get caught, Boq doesn’t see Tibett again for a long time. Suddenly he doesn’t feel like being rebellious anymore.

 

When Boq is 18, his hard work pays off. He gets his acceptance letter from Shiz. Munchkins are almost never accepted into Shiz, so he and his family are very excited. They’ve been working to save money for it for a long time, just in case.

 

When Boq is 18, he leaves home for the first time.

 

When Boq is 18, he seals his fate.

 

\-------------------------------

 

Boq can tell that Miss Galinda is perfect the moment he sees her. She’s blonde and pretty, and smiles a lot. Everybody loves her, but Boq loves her more. He thinks she’s wonderful. She doesn’t notice him. When he tries to introduce himself to her he forgets how to talk and mangles his own name. By the time he’s coherent enough to fix it, it’s too late. She calls him Biq for the rest of the year.

 

Boq can tell that what he’s doing with Nessa isn’t going to end well. He asks her out on a whim, because Miss Galinda asks him to, and he regrets it very quickly. He tries to tell her the truth at the dance, but when he sees how embarrassed and disappointed she looks, he changes his mind. Then it’s two weeks later and he still can’t tell her. She seems happy, and Miss Galinda asked him to do this, and he’s a little afraid of what Elphaba would do to him if he broke Nessa’s heart.

 

Boq can tell that Elphaba is happier after the dance. She spends a lot of time with Miss Galinda now, he notices. It makes sense; everyone is happier when they’re around Miss Galinda. If she likes Elphaba, then how bad can Elphaba possibly be? Everyone else seems to realize this too, because people stop being afraid of her when they see how well she and Miss Galinda get along. Boq thinks that’s nice.

 

Boq can tell that Elphaba doesn’t meant to cast that spell the day with Professor Nikidik. She’s as surprised as everybody else when the class loses control. But that doesn’t stop her from cub-napping the lion. That doesn’t stop her from leaving them like that. Miss Galinda still likes Elphaba, so he decides to forgive. But he doesn’t forget.

 

Boq can tell that Miss Galinda is too good for Fiyero. Fiyero doesn’t love her, not really. He looks too much at Elphaba, he brushes Miss Galinda away too much. He’s distant, and moodified, and he’s been thinking. Miss Galinda deserves better. Boq would stop thinking if she asked him to.

 

Boq can tell that he’s never going to love Nessarose when she kisses him a month and a half after the dance, and all he feels is discomfort. He wants to leave. He wants to tell Miss Galinda that she’s better than Fiyero- better than Boq, too, but he isn’t going to mention that part. He wants to wake up without knowing that he’ll have to spend the rest of the day pretending to be in love with the wrong person.

 

Boq can tell that he’s suffocating. The year is coming to a close, and Boq just wants to go home. Miss Galinda has barely noticed him all year, and when she has, she’s set him up with lonely girls and called him ‘Biq.’ Thinking about finals makes his throat close up, and every time he tries to study Nessa insists they do it together. He wakes up with his roommate, spends the entire day with Nessa, and goes back to the never-empty room. He’s never alone. He’s sick of feeling sick.

 

Boq can tell that almost no one else can tell these things. He can tell that they aren’t going to. He can tell that he’s going to be stuck like this forever if he doesn’t do something.

 

Boq can tell that leaving Nessa at the train station isn’t going to be enough.

 

\--------------------------------

 

Boq is with Nessa again two days later after she gets the news about Elphaba. She phones him, crying, and he can’t say no. He doesn’t _hate_ her- she’s shy, and sweet, and pretty, and she needs a friend. That’s all it is- she needs a friend. So he’s there for her.

 

Boq is still with Nessa a week later. He tries to leave, but she begs him not to abandon her like her sister did, so he stays. He can feel himself starting to suffocate again, but he stays.

 

Boq is with Nessa when her father dies after 3 weeks. Frexspar is stressed from the moment Elphaba is declared an enemy of the Wizard- has been since the day she was born, really- and finally succumbs to a heart attack. “Died of shame!” Nessa cries. Boq doesn’t correct her. “She’s wicked. _Wicked!_ ” He holds her as she sobs.

 

Boq is with Nessa for the next month. He’s with her for a month after that, too. He’s with her all the time- as soon as she’s up, she makes sure he is, too. Wherever she goes, she takes him with her so she’s never alone. But neither is he.

 

Boq is with Nessa until he feels like he can’t breathe. He’s with her for a week after, too. When he tries to leave, she orders him to stay. She’s the governess now; he can’t argue with her.

 

Boq is with Nessa until he can’t be. He slips away when she turns to the side for a minute. She can’t follow him in the chair. He makes it out of the palace and into town, and hides for two days as guards sweep the city looking for him. He’s never been on the run before.

 

Boq is with Nessa again soon, after she puts out a hefty reward for finding him and bringing him back to her. His old friend Tibett turns him in, says he needs the money. Boq understands. He still hates him for it.

 

Boq is with Nessa when she rescues him from the dungeon. “Obviously you won’t stay with me as a guest.” She says. “I can’t have you running away again. I need you- you know that. I need you.” Boq doesn’t say anything. He just stares at her, praying silently that she’ll let him go home if he promises to visit.

 

Boq is with Nessa when she makes him her servant instead. “You can’t leave me, Boq. I need you to stay.” Her look is cold and angry, her earlier relief gone. “So you are going to stay with me. You are going to love me. Is it so hard to love me? Well. This way, you can stay with me, and you will not leave me. Do you hear me? You’re going to lose your heart to me, Boq. I swear it.”

 

Boq is with Nessa when he realizes there’s no way out. Boq is with Nessa because he’s not allowed not to be.

 

\----------------------------

 

On his first day as personal servant to Nessarose Thropp, Governess of Munchkinland, Boq feels humiliated. When they’d met, he’d invited her to the Ozdust dance. Now she owns him; her wish is his command. He remembers when she was shy, and sweet, and pretty. For the first time, he really hates her.

 

On his third day, she tells him that he isn’t allowed to send letters to his family any more. She says they’re unnecessarily mean, and that his family is going to give him the wrong idea. He begs her to change her mind. She doesn’t listen. “It’s for your own good.”

 

On his sixth day, Nessa bursts into his room in the middle of the night in tears. She apologizes for everything she’s done. She tells him she doesn’t mean to be wicked, she just needs somebody, anybody, to love her. A month ago he might have felt bad; now, he asks if this means he can leave. She screams and throws a lamp at the wall. He takes this as a no.

 

On his 14th day, he feels a rising panic in his chest all day. He’s never going to get out of here. He’s going to be stuck here, in this palace, with that wicked woman- for the rest of his mortal life. He’s never going to see his family again. He’ll never see Miss Galinda. He’d given up his entire life when he was just 18 and there’s _no way out._

 

On his 30th day, it marks the 10-day anniversary of the last time Boq talked to anyone besides the Governess. He used to talk to the cook when he picked up the Governess’s food. The cook was blonde and pretty, and smiled a lot. The Governess hated him, and he was quickly fired. Boq cooks the meals now; he doesn’t think they’re very edible, but Nessa pretends not to notice. Boq finds himself wishing she would choke on it. It scares him, but not as much as when he realizes he means it.

 

On his 35th day, a new cook is hired. When he first sees Boq, he seems confused. “Aren’t you missing? Your family has been looking for you all over town. You’re… Biq, right?” Boq wants to correct him, but he can’t breathe.

 

On his 70th day, Boq can’t remember why he bothers getting up. Every day, he waits hand and foot on the tragically beautiful girl who ruined his life in the name of ‘love,’ and every day, he waits impatiently for night. When he doesn’t appear in the throne room, he hears Nessa’s voice calling to her guards in a panic. As the rush of feet inevitably leads to his room, he remembers that getting up isn’t his choice either.

 

On his 150th day, the Governess seems proud of something. She’s been exceedingly nervous and paranoid lately, convinced he was going to run away to find Miss Ga- to find Glinda the Good. Her good mood worries him. He realizes he was right to be concerned when he hears her pronouncement to the people. “Munchkins are no longer free to leave Munchkinland.”

 

On his 178th day, it occurs to Boq as the sun sets that it was his birthday. Briefly, nonsensically, he wonders if Nessa would care. He doesn’t really want her to.

 

On his 200th day, Boq considers throwing himself out the window. It would be relatively quick, he reasons. He wouldn’t have to see the Governess ever again. He’d finally be out of this damned palace. But he knows Nessa would follow him down, and he doesn’t need to do that to her. Not  yet.

 

On his 267th day, he hears the cook call the Governess the Wicked Witch of the East. He laughs, but it’s a nervous, strangled laugh that hasn’t been used in almost a year. He wonders if he should feel guilty.

 

On his 283rd day, the Governess hears the cook call her the Wicked Witch of the East. She has him arrested for treason, and Boq realizes there’s nothing she can’t do if she wants to.

 

On his 300th day, a new set of laws are announced. Munchkins are not allowed to speak badly of the Governess. Munchkins are not allowed gather in groups larger than 7. Munchkins are not allowed to use the words ‘Wicked Witch.’ Punishment can range from a fine to execution, as the Governess sees fit.

 

On his 365th day, Boq plays with the knife on the Governess’s plate. He could take them both out with it, he thinks. But he doesn’t want to die with the Governess. He’d rather die alone.

 

On his 400th day, he begs Nessa to let him leave, to at least see his family. The Governess refuses. But Boq is desperate and tries pleading to her human side. He knows he reached her when Nessa starts to scream and throw things. “Why is it so hard to stay? Why is everybody so desperate to leave me?! You are _mine_ now, and you are going to stay with me, dammit!”

 

On his 485th day, he’s paralyzed with regret. He shouldn’t have hidden with Tibbet. He shouldn’t have come back to Nessa. He shouldn’t have asked her to the Ozdust ball. He shouldn’t have gone to Shiz. He shouldn’t have been born. Then he wouldn’t be trapped here.

 

On his 546th day, he realizes he missed his birthday. He thinks it used to mean something.

 

On his 557th day, Boq forgets to control himself. He destroys half the throne room and stabs himself in the gut and a soldier in the leg before the guards manage to take him down screaming.

 

On his 560th day, he’s found not guilty of all charges. He’d been hoping the Governess would banish him, or sentence him to death. But Nessa pardons him and he is returned to service as soon as the doctor says he can be.

 

On his 600th day, Nessa bursts into his room in the middle of the night in a thin nightgown. “Is this what you want?” She cries. “Will this make you love me?” She kisses him, and, just like 2 years ago, he feels nothing but panic. He sits frozen as she kisses him for what seems like hours. She finally stops when she moves to take off his night shirt and he just stares at her with wide eyes. “When is it going to be enough?” It’s nothing more than a broken whisper, but Boq hears every word. She sobs into his lap until morning. He never touches her.

 

On his 632nd day, Nessa is silent. She’s melancholy and detached, and refuses to say what’s wrong. Boq takes the day off.

 

On his 674th day, he feels nothing. In the past 2 years, he’s only felt a running mantra of _panicregretpanicregrethatredhatredhatredhatred_ \- but nothing today. He runs on autopilot, hoping he never has to wake up again.

 

On his 730th day, Nessa asks him when things went wrong for them. He doesn’t remember when things were right.

 

\------------------------------

 

Boq has served the Governess tea more times than he could possibly hope to remember. She drinks several cups a day, and he’s been doing it for years now. She likes it the same way, every time, and preparing it no longer takes even a semblance of thought. She rings the bell, he comes like a dog. She asks for tea, he makes it. She takes it, he pushes her to the throne room. Then he leaves and waits outside the room until she calls for him again.

 

Boq has waited outside in that hall so many times he can tell you how many tiles make up the floor. It’s not often for long- the Governess doesn’t like to be left alone for long periods of time. She’s installed an extra bed in her room for the nights she wants company. He can hear her muffled voice inside, but he can’t make out what it is she’s saying. He doesn’t assume anyone else is in there- the way the Governess has been, he doesn’t assume anything with her anymore. When he hears another voice answer back, he finds he doesn’t care who it is. It could be a murderer, he thinks, before he remembers he’s never been that lucky.

 

Boq has heard that infernal bell ring so often that he hears it when he tries to sleep. He finds himself responding to bells that never rung. Boq hates everything about it- he hates the awful, shrill sound, he hates that it means the Governess wants something else from him, and he hates that he has no choice but to give it to her.

 

Boq has entered the throne room more times than he has his bedroom. Every time, he asks the Governess what it is she needs now. Every time, she tells him. But this time, a green woman in a black shawl is standing there, and she’s staring right at him.

 

Boq has heard the phrase ‘Wicked Witch’ a thousand times- about the Governess or the Witch of the West, it didn’t matter. He’s heard everything this witch has done, everything she is. She’s inhuman; she hates Oz; she wants to kill the Wizard. He knows that she’s evil, as evil as anyone can be- the Governess is proof of that. The Witch helped raise the Governess, and look at how she turned out.

 

Boq has held that knife in his hand before. He’s felt the metal on his skin and known that he would use it. This is the first time the threat he defends against is real and tangible.

 

Boq has been over this little speech a million times in his head. It keeps him awake at night, pounding in his skull. It’s slightly different every time- it can include whatever new slight he’d felt that day, or change a word or two, but the sentiment is one that burns in his veins every waking second, and it takes almost nothing for it to spill out now.

 

Boq has seen the Governess in that chair for hours, every day, for years. Seeing her stand now ruins any bit of sense left in his head- if Nessarose Thropp can walk, maybe he can leave. Maybe Miss Glinda can notice him now. If the Governess doesn’t need the chair, she doesn’t need him either. He knows he’s saying something, but nothing is making any sense and the world is more of an excited buzz than anything tangible or even vaguely comprehensible so he’s not quite sure what it is he’s saying. He doesn’t really care.

 

Boq hasn’t held Nessa’s hand for longer than he can remember. He can feel himself doing that now, but he’s too excited to care. She’s staring at him with that same adoring look she gave him at the Ozdust dance, and he’s as consumed by the thought of Miss Galinda as he was then. It isn’t until he sees Nessa slump over the table that he snaps back into reality and remembers what he’s said to upset her.

 

Boq hasn’t felt pity for Nessa since her father died years ago. But now he’s going to be free, and he can live again, and there’s enough room to feel sorry for her. A long-gone yet familiar wave of guilt washes over him, and he feels some bizarre need to justify himself, even though she doesn’t deserve it.

 

Nessa has been furious and flown into a rage several times before. She’s screamed and thrown things and had people arrested. So when the familiar look of angry desperation crosses her face again, Boq expects violence and yelling and consequence. She’s never hurt him before- she’s come close, but she never actually hit him- but nothing is happening like it always happens, and she can walk now, so he has enough sense at least to fear her.

 

Magic has never been something Boq was comfortable with. It scares him to think that there is something that could so easily change what is and what isn’t, when he has spent so long learning the difference. It’s definitely never been anything that he’s seen the Governess use. So when she falls to the ground and begins desperately chanting, he’s seized with a confused panic.

 

Panicked yelling is interrupted by a shooting pain, the kind of pain Boq’s never felt before. It’s a freezing fire in his chest, and he thinks he can feel his heart literally shrinking. He tries desperately to stay awake- the thought of never waking may have been appealing yesterday, but things were _different_ today- but the black edges of his vision spread and he feels himself fall.

 

When he wakes up, he’s relatively certain he’s done it wrong. When he wakes up, he can feel the ground, or anything else, and he breathes. But now, Boq just feels a hollow emptiness in his chest and a heavy weight pressing down on him.

 

Nessa cries out at the sight of him, and when he catches sight of his hands- his arms- his entire body, now made of cold, inhuman metal- his mind goes blank. He can hear screaming- his or hers?- and he can feel himself running. He can feel his joints creaking as well as he can hear them, and it takes more balance than it ever has in the past not to topple over. But he keeps going. He doesn’t know where he’s headed or what happened but he’s understood one thing: _“It was Elphaba!”_

 

\--------------------------------

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been stuck in these damn woods but he thinks he’s gone mad.

 

After… _the incident_ , Boq had gotten off the palace grounds for the first time in years. He’d run blindly for hours and eventually found himself completely lost, surrounded by trees. By some rare stroke of dumb luck, he found an axe on the ground that somebody had abandoned. When he picked it up and swung it into the trunk of a tree, it felt good.

 

He stayed there for hours, just hacking metal into wood. The anger and hatred and frustration of the last few years finally found an outlet in mindless destruction. He felt good when the bark gave under the axe. He felt better when the trees toppled over and hit the ground with loud thuds. He felt much, much worse when it started to rain and he rusted almost immediately.

 

It was ridiculous. After all he’d been through, it was water that would take him down. He was pretty sure tin wasn’t even supposed to rust, and yet. He would have screamed, but all he could manage was a long, quiet, squeaking noise. That made him even angrier.

 

He’s been frozen in place since then. With no stimulation other than the sight of motionless trees and the movement of the sun and moon, Boq has little but his swirling anger to focus on. And he is _furious_. Furious that Galinda used him and threw him away like a wet paper towel. Furious that he’d been trapped with Nessarose and forced into her service for years, cut off almost completely from the outside world. Furious that he’d finally gotten out, but it was as a cold, hollow, heartless tin monstrosity that rusted solid as soon as it got wet.

 

He doesn’t really remember what happened in the throne room. It’s a blur, a mess of hope and excitement and disappointment and fear and pain.

 

If he ever finds that witch, he’ll kill her. He’ll kill both of them. They’ve ruined his life- ruined him. And they’re going to pay for it. That’s all he’s thinking of the entire time he’s stuck there. That’s what he’s thinking of when he hears people approaching- finally. The sound is enough to snap him out of his reverie.

 

He tries to signal for help, but the best he manage in his state is more long, muffled squeaking. Thank Oz one of the passersby somehow manages to understand him, and finds an oil can nearby. As he regains the ability to move, his two rescuers introduce themselves. The one who’d understood him, a young girl, is named Dorothy. She says she comes from some unheard of far-off land named Canthis. The other is a Scarecrow, who looks strangely familiar.

 

Almost all of the anger from before washes away in a combination of gratitude and relief as he greets the pair. They say they’re going to meet the Wizard- Dorothy wants to find a way back to Canthis, and the Scarecrow wants a brain. By the looks of him, he sorely needs one. They invite him to go with them, and he agrees. He wants a heart.

 

They pick up another traveller later, a Lion who wants courage. Together they’re a merry band of four, though personally Boq likes Dorothy the best. She doesn’t even seem to notice that he isn’t human, and she’s very sweet. It takes him three days to realize that she never asked his name and has been calling him the Tin Man instead. His first thought is that he wants to vomit. His second is that that would be physically impossible. His third is that maybe it’s better like that; better to pretend that Boq is dead, because he may as well be. So he becomes the Tin Man.

 

The Tin Man likes the Scarecrow, though he finds him to be a bit suspicious. The Scarecrow is ever-so-slightly too detached, looks too uncomfortable when the Tin Man curses the Witch. So the Tin Man likes him, but he doesn’t trust him.

 

So the days pass, following the yellow brick road, and the Tin Man waits. He waits to reach the Wizard and get his heart back, because he’s barely felt anything in days. He waits for the Wicked Witch to finally kill them, though the thought doesn’t bother him. He waits for Dorothy to be swept away or disappear because she’s too good to happen to him. But mostly he waits for the Governess to find him again, to drag him back there, and that’s what scares him.

 

\-------------------------------

 

An hour after Dorothy leaves, the Tin Man is hit by a sudden need to wash the blood off his hands. But there is no blood and the water would rust him, and he settles for slamming his hands into a rock until they dent. He thinks he should feel better. He doesn’t.

 

The next day, he thinks he regrets coming. He didn’t get a heart after all, just a useless clock that won’t stop tick-tick-tick-tick-

 

The Tin Man finds out 3 days later that the Wicked Witch of the East is dead. Dorothy killed her. He feels happy. He feels angry. He feels regret. He feels nothing. Nessa was shy and sweet and pretty and dead, and now the Governess is dead with her. He feels relieved.

 

A week later, people are still grateful to the Witch-Hunters. The Tin Man knows this because they still throw themselves at his feet, still crowd in around him, still sing a happy funeral dirge. He wants to scream.

 

2 weeks later, people have begun to become accustomed to life without the Wicked Witches. The Tin Man hasn’t. People begin to hide when he comes near them, when he tries to speak. He’s heard the way words sound coming from a metal throat and he doesn’t blame them. If he was still human, if he was warm and real and _alive_ , he would hide too. But he isn’t.

 

3 weeks later, the Tin Man remembers that Boq had a family once. He makes plans to visit that last less than a full second before he remembers that they must think he’s dead. They’re not wrong, really, and he’d rather they believe that than see let them see the thing that’s taken Boq’s place. No one loves a metal scrap. He tells himself he doesn’t need them to.

 

A month later, the Tin Man realizes he’s stopped. He’s been sitting in this house for days, because tin doesn’t need food or sleep and it definitely doesn’t need water, because there’s nothing waiting for him outside, because he doesn’t feel a need to watch people cower now when they see him. He doesn’t know what to do with this realization. He keeps sitting.

 

A month and a half later, no one can look at the Tin Man without running and screaming. They don’t seem to remember that they loved him a month ago. But the Tin Man knows what he looks like and what he is, and he wants to scream and run from it, too. When he tries, it only seems to terrify them more.

 

2 months later, the Tin Man is still alone. He has been, since the moment it ended. Dorothy is back in Canthis, the Lion is off with other Lions, and the Scarecrow has vanished. Nessa is dead. Glinda is Good. They’ve all gone places he can’t, and he isn’t sure he wants to. He misses Dorothy. He thinks she must have forgotten him by now.

 

3 months later, the Tin Man wonders how to kill tin. He wonders if he can die at all. He hopes so.

  
  


\--------------------------------

 

When the Tin Man is 21, he can’t remember why he ever loved Glinda. He saw her again for the first time in years when he was with Dorothy and felt nothing. She didn’t know who he was- not that she ever did. That’s fine; he barely recognized her either. He’s almost forgotten it already.

 

When the Tin Man is 22, he can’t remember why he ever believed in that useless Wizard. He used to think the Wizard was omnipotent, all-powerful, all-knowing. But he turned out to be all smoke and mirrors. The Tin Man had expected a heart and gotten a clock. He’d rather have gotten nothing at all.

 

When the Tin Man is 25, he can’t remember how it feels to breathe. He tries it, but feels nothing. He can hear air being sucked in and hitting the tin walls of his chest, but he doesn’t feel it. It had never been something he’d thought about, and he almost wishes it had been.

 

When the Tin Man is 27, he can’t remember what it feels like to be touched. It’s been a long time since anyone dared come close enough to try, but even when they did it was impossible to feel anything with the tin. He thinks it was pleasant; he used to like it. The thought is strange to him now.

 

When the Tin Man is 30, he can’t remember how it looks to see someone smile at you. He can’t remember how it feels to smile, either. The tin won’t bend that way and he hasn’t had much occasion anyway. For the first time in years, he wants to remember. But he can’t.

 

When the Tin Man is 46, he can’t remember why he’d wanted a stupid heart in the first place. He thinks he just wanted something to fill the freezing emptiness of hollow metal. He thinks it represented some semblance of humanity to be rewon. He thinks it was stupid to think anything could fix what had happened.

 

When the Tin Man is 50, he can’t remember what it’s like not to be terrified of water. He used to sit in whole tubs of it, used to let it rain down on his whole body. Even a touch of it can rust him now- he’s learned over time that tin isn’t supposed to rust, he’s just an exception. The thought almost makes him want to scream.

 

When the Tin Man is 63, he can’t remember how it feels to have relationships. Friends. People you actually trusted, people who wanted good things for you. People who wanted to be around you. It’s hard to form relationships when people run screaming from the creaking, metal monstrosity. He’s stopped trying.

 

When the Tin Man is 84, he can’t remember what his name was before it was Tin Man. Dorothy had never asked, and neither had anyone else, so he hasn’t heard anyone use it since the transformation. It might have been ‘Moq,’ or ‘Biq.’ There’s no one to ask now, he’s fairly certain his family is dead now, and even if they weren’t, he doubts he’d be able to get close enough to ask. Names are important, he thinks. They make you who you are. So it’s almost fitting that his old name is lost to him; he’s just the Tin Man now.

 

When the Tin Man is 98, he can’t remember how to grieve. Glinda the Good has passed, marking the end of the last person he knew in Oz. He’s supposed to feel despair, he’s supposed to break down- maybe not tear up, that would rust him. But he’s supposed to feel something at having outlived everyone he’d ever cared about. Instead he just keeps feeling empty.

 

When the Tin Man is 127, he can’t remember if he’d ever had a family at all. Most people do, he reasons, but he can’t remember it. If he’d had a mother and father, they may as well have not existed for all that comes to mind when he tries to think of them. He thinks maybe he’s supposed to upset about this, that maybe he should mourn their loss and the loss of their memory. He thinks he used to. But he can’t bring himself to care anymore.

 

When the Tin Man is 145, he can’t remember what it was like to be human. Human and monster are two very different things, and he’s been the latter 6 times as long as he’d ever been the former. He wonders if it had felt the same, but he doesn’t think so. Humans seem to feel a lot more than he does, and they seem to enjoy it. It seems alien to him.

 

When the Tin Man is 183, he can’t remember how he became the Tin Man. He hears a story that his axe was enchanted to chop off parts of his body, and he’d replaced them until he was made entirely of tin. He thinks then that it must be reversible; he tears off his left arm and makes his way into the city, asking for a human arm to replace it. Everyone in the city runs screaming and he thinks to himself that he shouldn’t have expected anything else. He can’t get the arm back on.

 

When the Tin Man is 204, he can’t remember if he was ever human at all. The concept is too far removed, too alien. If he’d ever been human then he should remember who it was he’d been. It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway; whoever it is who might have become the Tin Man is long dead by now. Nothing replaced him.

 

When the Tin man is 249, he can’t remember how long he’s been rusted. He thinks it’s been a long time but he doesn’t actually know. It might have been a few days. It might have been decades. Time doesn’t mean anything to him anymore, and reality has long become indistinguishable from fantasy. He sees blurry images of a school, of a girl in a blue dress, of a green girl screaming. He remembers that the infamous Wicked Witch of the West had met her end with water, like him, but he can’t remember who killed her. Those people must have been proud.

 

When the Tin Man is 286, he can’t remember if there was ever anything besides the trees.

 

When the Tin Man is 290, he can’t remember if there was ever anything besides the plants growing over his eyes.

 

When the Tin Man is 300, he can’t remember if there was ever anything at all.

 

 


End file.
